chapter 9: i'm sorry
Recently, the man had taken to drinking more frequently.
He was struggling through a hangover after trying to drown his longing. Whoever broke up first, how much time has passed since, none of these things mattered anymore. What mattered was that the two people who used to be ‘us’ had become just ‘someones’. After the break-up, the man and the woman had perfectly returned to the relationship they had before meeting each other 5 years ago. At least, that was how it felt like to him.
Then, what was this longing that came over him?
That longing was not a reminiscent of love that had not yet oxidized. It was an unexpected loneliness and regretfulness towards her, as well as nostalgia over who he used to be, back when he loved her so passionately. From time to time, when the man became flooded with this longing, all he wanted was to walk up to the woman right away and lament over how he wants his old self back. But as the man did not want to hurt her with his selfish behavior or cause any more misunderstandings, he instead opened his diary, like usual.
And so he thought of her, who had become his reason to hold a pen for so many years.
Even without meaning to, we are already distant.
I only came to understand you too late
And worse yet, it turned into a relationship where we are barely more than strangers.
I always had a feeling about the day we would break up.
I thought that would be the day the sky would break in half.
I thought the ground would give out under my feet.
I thought that, trapped inside the rip of the sky,
holed up into the ground,
I would miss you for the rest of my life.
I thought that, even when you didn’t love me anymore
I’d hold onto my resentment and regret for the rest of my life.
worry very much.
To not think of the time you and I spent together anymore,
I even tried to hate those memories.
I ripped apart a book I got from you, innocent, page by page, in vain
And I tried throwing away all the gifts I hadn’t given you.
But all I could manage was to hide them behind the mirror.
And despite all that, my attachment remains,
Even the ring that was too troublesome to wear while we were together is now stuck on my finger.
do the very best I can.
Even without meaning to, you already are too distant.
Rather, I should’ve been by your side more. I should’ve thought better.
I should’ve been more sensible and patient than that.
I should’ve let you be the one to say goodbye.
regret it very much.
The writing man carelessly tossed the pen onto the desk. In all certainty, he did not love her anymore. But what was this feeling he could not let go of, like he was being dragged down into quicksand? — the more you struggle, the deeper you fall into darkness.
In the silence of his home, the same song had been playing for days.
I’ll still apologize for what I'm not responsible for