Chapter 3: Honesty
Early in the morning, the woman woke up by herself.
Perhaps it was because last night she completed her end of a day as the interviewed singer had told her. Although she had been suffering from insomnia since the break-up, that night she had had a sweet sleep.
‘Pretty good idea. Was it really the ritual to finish the day?’
What a refreshing and welcoming morning it was. In addition, it was also her first day off in a while.
Wishing to spend the morning at her own leisure, the woman kept rolling around the bed for some ten minutes.
‘I’m hungry. How long since I had a real breakfast?’
Having stretched and gotten up, the woman headed to the kitchen and opened the fridge. However, since she did not often have meals at home, the refrigerator was in a similar situation to her empty stomach. Yet, today’s morning was too refreshing to eat delivery food.
‘I’ll have cereal. That’s enough.’
While softly pouring the cereal into the bowl, the woman thought carefully on how she would spend such gold-precious day off. She only had a few days in a year to take care of herself like this, so she had to spend her time wisely.
‘How about I finally clean up the house?’
The woman was exhausted physically and mentally, for sure. What she needed when she felt like that was to get some fresh air out of her daily life. And since cleaning emptied her mind, organizing the house was the perfect thing to do. She turned the piled-up laundry in the washing machine while washing the dishes, changed the bedding and even cleaned the bathroom. She was so engrossed in her cleaning that her forehead was sweating when she finally started organizing her study.
After a while, she was staring pleased at a neatly cleaned desk. Since she was at it, she began organizing the desk drawers as well and reached for the last one.
Why did she have to.
She had created the perfect holiday but was so absorbed in finishing it that she opened the forbidden drawer. Oh my, it was already too late. Her body was faster than her mind.
The traces of him remained too strongly in that place.
And these traces, as if envious of her perfect day, of her who seemed to try to erase him, were getting ready to swallow her up whole.
‘······So this is where I put it.’
In that drawer was a picture she took smiling with the man who broke up with her, a music box that he gifted her, a bunch of useless decorations they brought from a trip to South America, all the evidence of the love he once felt for her was left there, intact.
He was there.
The woman, now staring blankly at those objects that had lost the meaning of their existence, began to move her hands as she made up her mind. Trying to assure herself that there was not a bit of attachment left in those, she grabbed his remains at random and threw them to the trash can. In the middle of it, the blue envelope of a letter caught her eye. That was one of the love letters he used to write. His letters could make even the most boring days more romantic. She hesitated on whether to throw out this letter for a while, but her hands were spreading it open before she knew it.
To my dear
It’s been a while.
We used to exchange letters very often, but now that there’s SNS and such, and we can communicate easily with each other without having to leave such long messages, hasn’t the world become so comfortable?
I think we got a little rusty at this, but how about it?
Writing long letters like this can tickle your brain a little, right?
How are you doing?
We see each other every day but I wanted to ask this for once.
Because I keep wondering whether you’re fine
The fire of my curiosity spreads endlessly and puts me in a fever.
So please answer quickly.
Gather every moment of your everyday into droplets and rain it over me.
My dear, please calm down my fever.
Of course, it’s nice to suffer from this happy fever,
But time with you, who drenches me icy and tender, is always welcome.
Even though we value each other,
No matter whether you accept it in or not, we will also hurt each other without meaning to.
By the way, have the wounds I gave you not healed yet?
I’m sorry if that’s the case. If I didn’t notice. Then please show them to me now.
Don’t feel ashamed of these wounds I gave you, because I’m the only one who can remedy them.
Every person who loves will be like that.
They hurt when they see each other’s scars.
But I still hope you are not covering your scars so I won’t be sad.
Even that is part of us, evidence of our memories and love.
If you’re still embarrassed of showing me all your wounds, then please just hug me tightly.
Even if I don’t see your scars, I want to feel them through your skin to know you entirely, and I believe so do you.
We have been together for a long time and we will spend even more together.
Please reply. Tell me that your heart is the same as mine.
I want to exchange ‘I love you’s with you at length.
That’s right. I love you.
And to quote that poem you once read to me,
I need you.
I sent this together because the lyrics are just like my feelings.
Tomorrow, let’s hold hands and listen to this song.
The woman read his letter and looked out of the window.
The sun of her perfect off-day had cowardly hidden away, and the moon of a gloomy night stuck its head out from behind a dark cloud.
‘You bloody romanticist.’
Actually, she did like this side of the man.
Among the countless charms this man had, his romantic image of a man who did not live in reality was the brightest of all.
“Don’t force yourself to cry.”
It was like she could hear his words.
She was crying.
I saw you take it harder than me and cried like a child
FOR ALWAYS JONGHYUN
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